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The
Infertility Holiday Guide:
Survival Strategies for the Holiday Season
By The American Fertility Association
Home - or not - for the Holidays
The wreaths are up at the mall, "Jingle Bells" is
wafting through the supermarket. If you see one more
commercial featuring a beaming multigenerational
family gathered around the turkey and trimmings,
you just may hurl your TV through a window.
'Tis the season, all right. It's a month-and-a-half
of mandatory cheer laced with dicey family dynamics,
financial finagling and relentless hype. It's also
a time that invites reflection. Which often begets
disappointment over everything in life that hasn't
measured up to expectations. Weight, jobs, relationships
- they're all fair game. For those of us who have
been trying to conceive but haven't, this kid-centric
season tends to pack an especially powerful wallop.
"It's all about children," observes a
45-year-old New York City administrative assistant,
who put off her fifth donor egg cycle until January
citing seasonal tensions. "The holidays are
stressful for anyone, but compounded with infertility,
it's very difficult."
How many
times can we confront the ubiquitous image of the
angelic toddler tromping down the stairs with
PJs flapping to see the beautiful Christmas tree,
face lighting up with joy and stay upbeat? "If
that doesn't hit you in the gut with a sense of longing
and loss, what does?" says Dr. Andrea Braverman,
a Philadelphia-area psychologist.
Even going
home for a celebration with parents and siblings
can be fraught when you're the one that
hasn't yet produced progeny. "When my nieces
and nephews are around, it all revolves around them," says
the administrative assistant whose own schedule has
been defined for nearly four years by repeated, exhausting
attempts to conceive. "What about us? I feel
eclipsed."
Exposed
and vulnerable? You bet. Patricia Mendell, a New
York City-based psychotherapist, notes "there's
a lack of understanding of how difficult it is for
couples. If they get themselves up for the day, many
people feel incredible sadness they have to cope
with long afterward."
Florida
psychologist Dr. Judith Horowitz says many of her
clients trying to conceive simply "wish
they could stay in bed and pull the covers over their
heads" until all the holiday celebrations are
over. Take heart. There are ways to get through it
all and remain intact.
Survival Strategies
One way to relieve the stress of holiday gatherings
is simple: Don't go. Or, consider limiting the
time you do spend. Plan in advance how you will
deal with the discomforts of the season: Ask yourself
whether you can tolerate being around at all, and,
advises Mendell, "if you decide to attend
family functions, decide when you want to go and
when you want to leave, and stick to it."
Triage
or prioritize events that are most important, protecting
yourself in the process. "Meet your
families' needs and yours at the same time," advises
Dr. Braverman. "If every single person in the
family is going for Christmas dinner and that's too
painful, go the next day, when so many people aren't
there," adds Judith Horowitz.
While some fertility counselors believe avoiding
potentially painful family gatherings ultimately
produces other problems, many say avoidance can be
healthy and justifiable, particularly since your
struggle to make a family is time-limited. Eventually,
explains Horowitz, a couple will conceive, or not,
or decide to adopt, or not. For now, while you're
riding the fertility rollercoaster of mounting hopes
and potentially crushing disappointment, foregoing
the family feast may be the wisest move.
Nurture Yourself
Even if you're not sidestepping holiday gatherings,
couples in the throes of fertility treatments should
carve out private time during the holiday season,
experts advise. "Plan a lovely vacation away
from everybody, and explain that 'this is the best
time of year at work for me to get away,' " Horowitz
suggests.
"You don't have to go home," Dr. Ali Domar,
a Boston psychologist, concurs. "Take the money
you would spend on gifts, and go on a cruise."
If leaving
town is impossible, too guilt-inducing or family-roiling,
you can still take time to pamper
yourself. "A woman can get a pedicure, the man
can buy himself a gadget," Horowitz says. "Taking
care of oneself is important."
"For my husband and me," says the New
York administrative assistant, "we just talk.
We're the best support we have."
The couple
does find time spent with their extended family
fulfilling, even though difficult. "I
love my nieces and nephews so much I do everything
I can to enjoy them. What am I going to do, not see
them?"
On the
other hand, she readily admits, "I try
to keep myself far away from other people's kids." One
of her techniques is to get all her holiday shopping
done before Thanksgiving. That means she can steer
clear of stores teeming "with mothers, kids
and Santa Claus." "Denial" and "avoidance" get
her through this emotionally charged time.
Take Control
If you decide to dive into functions with family
and friends, it's possible to ease the tension
by taking over. "I'd make the meal," recalls
Pamela Madsen, The AFA's Executive Director. "I
didn't want to feel even more left out. And avoidance
wasn't working for me because it meant not being
around fertile people - people I cared
about." Madsen took to hosting the get-togethers
allowing her to build in protections. "If I
needed to escape a child-centered moment, or I needed
to duck an uncomfortable conversation, I'd just say
I had to baste the turkey and head to the kitchen.
It worked."
Communicate and Plan
Talk about your feelings - with your partner, your
relatives or a support group. It can smooth things
out.
"Couples need to communicate how they want
to handle a particular family event," says New
York social worker and American Fertility Association
support group leader Bob Bammon. "It's really
important for them to hear each other, talk and compromise
- and make it work for both of them. Maybe she just
wants to do the turkey dinner and say goodbye. Maybe
he wants to hang out more with his brothers and brothers-in-law
and watch the ball game."
Enjoy
the Family You’ve Already Got
"
I try to counsel couples to try to get underneath
their own grief and desperation and get in touch
with their other identity - as an aunt, an uncle,
a sister, son or daughter and what that means to
them and how important that is outside of their own
family building struggle," says social worker
Bammon.
"Sometimes it's too much to ask of a couple,
if they've just gone through a failed IVF or a miscarriage," he
acknowledges. For others in less acute situations,
Bammon says he advises trying to "put the infertility
thing away–and enjoy this part of family that
we have."
Since
families are often at a loss as to how to behave
and what to say, "the couple sometimes
needs to tell people what would be helpful," says
Patricia Mendell. She cautions, though: "That
doesn't mean they can do it or they really understand."
Honest
disclosure about your emotional state might at
least minimize the chances that some well-meaning
relative will blurt out, "When will we get to
hang a stocking for your little one?" or "Chanukah
is just a holiday for the children."
Comeback Kid
And when the inevitable happens, when a family member
or friend breaches the boundary, be prepared. Arm
yourself with snappy comebacks that'll put a quick
lid on the topic. Practice them with your partner
before you show up at the holiday feast.
Try out
these direct, sometimes slightly risqué retorts
that experts say work when you get hit with classics
like, “So when are you going to have a baby?”
A: When God gives us one.
A: We're working on it.
A: It's not that simple.
A: I appreciate your asking me, but it's a painful
subject and I don't want to talk about it.
A: It's on our agenda.
A: You mean you have to have sex to have a baby?
A: We're waiting till we're 50 so we're well-aged
parents.
A: We tried five times last night!
Create Your Own Traditions
Come up with something you think you may want to
do every year with your partner, and start to make
a tradition out of it, "whether it's having
a nonalcoholic drink or writing poems to each other
about your hopes, or giving your pets new toys," suggests
Horowitz. Remember, you are a family, too.
Do for Others
"
Rather than allow your pain to override everything,
acknowledge that there are others who aren't as well
off - and do something nice for them," says
Horowitz. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, or tell
your relatives, "We can't attend because we'll
be serving at the food bank" is a hard one to
argue with. Chances are it'll get you out of yourself
and make you feel good, to boot.
Plan for the Coming Year
Like all times, the holiday season can be a positive
time despite the emotional and psychological hits
we take. Seize this opportunity to bolster you
and your partner's identity as a family, reevaluate
treatment options, and strategize.
"If the year has come and nothing has happened,
you need to be formulating plans," says Mendell. "Are
you looking to cycle again, looking for a second
opinion, looking at alternative family-building options?
One New Year's resolution is to move forward and
not be in this place again."
"It's not a bad time to reassess the game plan
for treatment for the next year, to be clear what
the goals and the approaches are," adds Dr.
Andrea Braverman. "Make sure you and your partner
are on the same page."
Remember that while the holidays mark the end of
the year, they can also herald a new phase in your
quest for a son or daughter. That could mean letting
go of one family-building vision, a biologically-related
infant, for example, and seizing another wonderful
option like adoption.
Whatever
you do, says Judith Horowitz, "You've
got to move ahead."
Get in Touch
First get in touch with what's real: the season "to
be jolly" is often anything but for many people,
childbearing status notwithstanding. Remember that
although it looks like everyone else in the world
has got the spirit, lots of people dread the holidays,
says Horowitz.
Then remind yourself that you're not alone. You
may not have a friend or family member struggling
with IVF or ovum donation cycles, but there are millions
of others who walk in your shoes. Get in touch with
them.
Support groups and professional counselors can be
real lifelines during these times - especially if
both you and your partner are feeling frayed and
raw. Talking to someone else is a safety valve that
creates a little more breathing room.
When you need to reach out, call The American Fertility
Association's hotline at 1-888-917-3777, or log on
to our website at www.TheAFA.org to visit our chat
rooms and especially our fertility coaching sessions
(phone-based coaching groups led by our team of professional
therapists accessible from the privacy of your own
home). They can be the best tools you've got because
The American Fertility Association absolutely understands
what you're going through. We've all been there and
we can help.
This fact sheet is sponsored by Organon USA |
