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The American Fertility Association’s Monthly Newsletter

Aug 29 , 2008

OP ED

BLENDED FAMILIES: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
By Carolyn Berger, LCSW, with Lisa Schuman, LCSW

The blended family, one that’s created through birth and adoption, has been a part of the adoption landscape for a long time. There are different types of blended families—those where an adopted child is the first child and those where the birth child comes first, followed by an adopted child. “Blending” is a great way to build a family, but it’s a good idea to think through some of the issues beforehand so that you will be prepared for the challenges (and joys) that this particular kind of family can bring.

If you are considering adopting a child after having a biological one, you may find yourself worrying that you will “upset the apple cart,” by adding a child of a different background, rather than a birth child, to your family. You will need to explore and resolve feelings like these before you begin the adoption process. The fact is, any new child will cause shifts and some disequilibrium in your family when he arrives.

Once you feel comfortable and decide to move forward, you will want to prepare your biological child for the adopted child who will be joining him. Involve him in the adoption process in any way that you can. You may also take this time to reach out to your extended family to educate them about bio-adopted families so that they can prepare a space in their hearts for an adopted child.

Before you build your blended family you will need to ask yourself how comfortable you are with difference. Can you truly accept differences among your children whether they relate to appearance, race, cultural background, talents or intelligence? Parents in traditional families with more than one child have to come to terms with how different their children are likely to be. In blended families some of the differences are simply more obvious, especially when your family is composed of children of different cultures and races. Can you tolerate the “public-ness” of being a transracial family, or comments from perfect strangers who tell you that your kids, one with blonde hair, the other raven-haired, can’t possibly be siblings? Can you take pleasure in the idea that your children are very different and celebrate this every day? And will your extended family accept your kids for who they are, rather than who they look like?

No matter who comes first, your adopted child or your biological child, you will need to figure out ways to build your family into a warm, loving unit that holds together in spite of the different ways your children came into it. There is no formula for creating closeness among siblings in any type of family. If you are hoping that the children in your family will be best friends like you and your sister were, or that your kids will make up for the fact that you and your brother were sworn enemies until the college years intervened, you are probably courting disappointment. There is no way to predict how your children will feel about each other, though there are many ways to help them live together peacefully. (Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish can show you how.)

Some sibling rivalry is inevitable whether you are a blended family or a traditional one. In blended families kids need to recognize that they are unique and that neither being genetically connected to their parents nor adopted makes them better. A friend of mine who has an elementary- school- aged biological child and an adopted pre-schooler told me this story: One day the older boy told his younger brother, “I belong in this family more than you do because I have Mom and Dad’s genes, and you don’t.” Hearing this, my friend cringed, but pulled herself together and told her older son firmly, “You’re wrong. Under the law you boys are equal and what the law says is the most important thing.” These boys’ father was a high-profile attorney whom they both admired, and bringing in the legal aspect of adoption helped level the playing field in this case. The older son nodded in agreement and was silent. The younger son appeared unperturbed.

When my friend picked the younger child up at nursery school the next day, his teacher pulled her aside and told her that her son had announced to the entire class that he was adopted, and had different genes than his brother, but that they were “equal because the law says so.” She asked the teacher how her son delivered this message, and the teacher told her it had been said with pride. A moment that initially caused my friend agony became a teachable moment in her family.

There are probably more similarities than differences when it comes to raising traditional and blended families. In all families, bonding between siblings takes time and requires help from parents, whether it’s through engaging your kids in fun activities, helping them learn what makes their family unique, or stepping in when difficulties arise. In many blended families where children are close in age, they form sibling relationships before they know who is biologically related and who was adopted. And in all blended families child rearing realities apply regardless of how the children came to be a part of the family.

	Carolyn Berger, LCSW, is The AFA’s Adoption Coordinator and the parent of two teenaged sons who came into her family through birth and adoption. She has a private practice in Larchmont, NY, that focuses on infertility, adoption, and all forms of family building.
	Lisa Schuman, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan and Westchester, specializing in the areas of adoption and infertility. Ms. Schuman is also the director of Adoption Cooperative Consultants and a staff psychotherapist for Reproductive Medicine Associates of New York.

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HONORING THE CHILD’S FAMILY
by Sara Lively

From the time that he was a toddler, six-year-old Patrick (who was adopted at birth) has explored his world through rhythm. He usually plays with toys not by building things, but by banging them together to see what sound patterns he can create. He spontaneously drums using water jugs, wood sticks, or keys – anything he can get his hands on. He’s enchanted by the percussion sounds he hears in world music, jazz, and rock and roll.

Recognizing their son’s passion, Patrick’s parents found a professional percussion teacher who was willing to work with him starting at the age of four. Over the past two years, Patrick has rapidly developed unusually advanced skills playing drum sets, congas and bongos.

But Patrick’s parents have taken their son’s talents to another level. They tell him it is his birthfather, Craig, who gave him the gift of rhythm.

Armed with the knowledge that Craig for many years played drums in a well-known jazz band, Patrick’s parents honor not just Patrick’s emerging skills, but also the important role that his biological family plays in his life. By freely sharing positive information about Patrick’s roots, they nurture his sense of self worth.

Most adoption professionals agree that it’s beneficial for adoptive parents to seek opportunities to talk about their children’s birth families – even when children seem uninterested. It’s normal for adoptees to wonder about their birth families, whether or not they have met them. As Dr. David Brodzkinsky, author of Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self, puts it: “In our experience, all adoptees engage in a search process. It may not be a literal search, but it is a meaningful search nonetheless. It begins when the child first asks, ‘Why did it happen? Who are they? Where are they now?’ “

The child inevitably has a relationship with her birth parents in fantasy or in reality, whether or not she tells her adoptive parents. As the child is developmentally ready, it’s up to her family to encourage the “search” (literal or figurative) as a critical process in the formation of identity. The child is, after all, a unique blend of the traits and talents both of the biological and of the adopting family. As the child explores the origins of her ethnicity, temperament, artistic or athletic ability, she uncovers her natural endowments, some of these cultivated through nurture.

When left to their own fantasies without adult support, all too many children struggle to make sense of their stories, without the cognitive or emotional skills to do so alone. The struggle might be exacerbated by the losses associated with adoption. One adopted boy whose birth mother kept a respectful distance to allow the adopting parents to “bond” with their child assumed that she had abandoned him forever. A girl who was adopted from foster care believed that she had caused her birth father to go to prison. A young boy adopted from Russia without information about his birth family imagined that he had left behind a brother and sister in unmarked graves in his home country. These are children who need their parents’ help (with professional intervention if need be) talking about their fantasies and fears.

Barriers to keeping the discussion positive

In preparing for adoption, some prospective adopters ask me for advice about how they’ll cope with a difficult history such as prenatal drug exposure, abuse or neglect. “How could I possibly say anything good about a birth mother who harmed my child?” one of my clients asked.

I encourage adopting parents to keep the child’s needs central, even when these parents feel uncomfortable or angry. Adopted children have been known to internalize negative perceptions about their birth families as if they are reflections of their own unworthiness. Conversely, when they have help becoming aware of the gifts that their first families offer, they are more likely to feel better about themselves. A 50-year-old adult adoptee who’s a friend of mine still talks about the road trip he took across the country twenty years ago to meet the birth family that his adoptive family had criticized over the years. “What a wonderful experience it was,” he says, “to find out at last where I got my bushy eyebrows!” Even the access to shared physical attributes, medical history or ancestry can be very grounding to the adoptee.

I have yet to meet a birth mother who maliciously set out to hurt her child; most love their children, and (like all of us) make mistakes. Even human beings with significant challenges have positive traits they pass on to their offspring – and those offspring benefit immensely when they know what those traits are. If you find yourself reluctant to speak positively about your child’s birth family, it might be worth getting the ear of a good friend or therapist to unload those negative feelings.

Even if you know nothing about the birth family, there are creative ways to help your child imagine their presence. When brushing your daughter’s hair, for example, you might ask: “I wonder if your birth mother has smooth, black hair like yours?” You might encourage your child to talk about what interests the birth parents might have, or invite him to draw a picture of what they might look like. Certainly, there are concrete ways you can talk about their country and culture, while showing compassion for the circumstances that might have prompted them to place the child for adoption.

It’s not uncommon among adoptive parents to avoid talking (positively or negatively) about birth families at all. As Sherrie Eldridge points out in Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, our greatest fear is being rejected by our children. We fantasize that as our children come to know about their birth families, they’ll leave us to live again with their first families. People who adopt after suffering through unsuccessful fertility treatment are especially susceptible to the fear of another great loss.

In reality, almost all adopted children are deeply devoted to their adoptive parents, and should not be made to “choose” between one family or the other. All have two sets of families: those who gave them life, and those who raise them. A marvelously eloquent definition of the “real mother” was provided by Dr. Betty Jean Lifton in Journey of the Adopted Self: “For me, a real mother is one who recognizes and respects the whole identity of her child and does not ask him to deny any part of himself.”

Sara Lively, M.S.Ed., is an adoption consultant who helps people explore all the adoption options, providing up-to-date information, personalized guidance, and coaching through the international or domestic adoption process. Working independently from the financial interests of any adoption agency or attorney, Sara offers telephone consulting services to people throughout the country. Visit her website at www.adoptionpaths.com.

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FERTILITY RESEARCH NEEDS YOUR HELP

Greetings,

I am a doctoral candidate in Counseling Psychology at The University of Akron. As part of my degree, I am completing a dissertation regarding the experiences of women who have experienced infertility, both primary and secondary. The purpose of this study is to understand some of the factors that increase or decrease the experience of distress when faced with infertility. I am asking for your assistance in completing this study so that psychologists and related mental health professionals can increase our knowledge and sensitivity to infertility and work to improve the services provided to individuals experiencing such concerns. Though you will likely not experience any direct benefit from participating in the study, your assistance may help in developing prevention and treatment programs for women experiencing distress due to infertility.

The study includes several questionnaires regarding your views about dealing with infertility, attitudes about gender roles, current well-being and distress, as well as a number of items asking for demographic and reproductive history information. Some of these items may ask for personal information that could be difficult or sensitive to disclose. Should you experience any discomfort, you are free to discontinue participation at any point. If you experience distress, I encourage you to contact a mental health professional in your community. You can locate a professional counseling through the National Board for Certified Counselors at www.nbcc.org/counselorfind2 or a psychologist through the American Psychological Association at locator.apa.org.

All of your information will be kept confidential, so you will not be identifiable from the results. In addition, you will not be contacted unless you choose to contact me with questions. Two participants will be randomly selected to receive a $25 gift card. Should you wish to enter the drawing, you will be asked to provide your email address following participation. Your data will be kept separate from your contact information and there will be no way to identify your responses. The study takes approximately 10 to 20 minutes and I am asking for participation by women above the age of 18 who have experienced primary or secondary infertility. This study is being conducted under the supervision of Linda Subich, Ph.D. If you have any questions about the study, you may contact me at slr45@uakron.edu or Dr. Linda Subich at (330) 972-8379. The project has been reviewed and approved by the University of Akron Institutional Review Board. You may also contact them at (330) 972-7666 or 1-888-232-8790 if you have questions about your rights as a research participant.

Please feel free to forward this information to any individuals or organizations you believe would be appropriate. The study can be accessed at the link below:
www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=l4qmkW9mgIOnBC33aK7Ykw_3d_3d

Thank you for your assistance!

Sara Rieder Bennett, M.A., Ph.D. Candidate
Collaborative Program in Counseling Psychology, The University of Akron

Sara Rieder Bennett, M.A. is a doctoral candidate in Counseling Psychology at The University of Akron. She is completing her dissertation regarding women’s experiences of infertility, an area in which she has conducted study throughout her doctoral work. Sara has also led a research team regarding women’s reproductive health as part of her training. She is also completing an accredited internship at the Carruth Center for Counseling and Psychological Services at West Virginia University. Prior to this work, Sara worked in a variety of mental health settings during the past ten years. In addition, she has held numerous leadership positions in professional organizations and university committees, presented at regional and national conferences, and completed several publications.

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