Ferring Pharmaceuticals, Inc. is the Presenting Sponsor of the AFA Website

Everything You Wanted To Know About Adoption But Were Afraid To Ask

June 24, 2008 - Tuesday
8:00 PM to 9:00 PM (EST)
Guest Speakers: Carolyn Berger, L.C.S.W.

Categories
Adoption

[Tue Jun 24 09:24:55 PDT 2008]		solstice106 joined.
[Tue Jun 24 09:25:22 PDT 2008]		solstice106 left.
[Tue Jun 24 10:43:32 PDT 2008]		piolin3 joined.
[Tue Jun 24 10:48:02 PDT 2008]		piolin3 left.
[Tue Jun 24 13:16:11 PDT 2008]		ames1215 joined.
[Tue Jun 24 13:16:20 PDT 2008]		ames1215 left.
[Tue Jun 24 14:46:32 PDT 2008]		carolynb joined.
[Tue Jun 24 15:00:28 PDT 2008]		carolynb left.
[Tue Jun 24 16:35:31 PDT 2008]		tenayagirl joined.
[Tue Jun 24 16:35:54 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	hi
[Tue Jun 24 16:38:23 PDT 2008]		tenayagirl left.
[Tue Jun 24 16:38:23 PDT 2008]		tenayagirl joined.
[Tue Jun 24 16:47:58 PDT 2008]		irishslp joined.
[Tue Jun 24 16:48:54 PDT 2008]		Corey_Whelan joined.
[Tue Jun 24 16:50:00 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	welcome early birds to tonight's chat. Carolyn Berger, our featured speaker, will be here at 8 p.m. and we will begin the chat at that time. I am Corey Whelan, your chat moderator
[Tue Jun 24 16:51:10 PDT 2008]		irishslp left.
[Tue Jun 24 16:51:17 PDT 2008]		irishslp joined.
[Tue Jun 24 16:54:21 PDT 2008]		irishslp left.
[Tue Jun 24 16:54:53 PDT 2008]		carolynb joined.
[Tue Jun 24 16:55:21 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	Welcome Carolyn. Folks, Carolyn is here to answer your questions.
[Tue Jun 24 16:55:48 PDT 2008]	carolynb	There are No stupid questions!
[Tue Jun 24 16:56:21 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	hi
[Tue Jun 24 16:56:48 PDT 2008]	carolynb	Hi, Tenayagirl. Welcome! Are you considering adoption?
[Tue Jun 24 16:57:02 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	yes, pls forgive me, my computer is misbehaving
[Tue Jun 24 16:57:14 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	hopefully i can stay loogged on
[Tue Jun 24 16:57:31 PDT 2008]	carolynb	Tenayagirl: I'm so used to computer glitches!
[Tue Jun 24 16:57:37 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	i fit in that bategory--things afraid to ask!
[Tue Jun 24 16:57:55 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	category-oh pls forgive my typos-i have challenges
[Tue Jun 24 16:58:05 PDT 2008]	carolynb	C'mon, I was in your shoes once!
[Tue Jun 24 16:58:10 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	should i go ahead with a list of questions or 1 at atime/
[Tue Jun 24 16:58:24 PDT 2008]	carolynb	One at a time would be great!
[Tue Jun 24 16:58:30 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	ok, thanks
[Tue Jun 24 16:59:20 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	our situation: 46 and 45, ttc for many years, we have one possible ivf left w/ frozen embryos
[Tue Jun 24 16:59:48 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	been exploring adoption for last 2 years, feel really hopeful about it but have fears
[Tue Jun 24 17:00:01 PDT 2008]	carolynb	What are your fears?
[Tue Jun 24 17:00:37 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	we think we would ike to go with domestic, but we are afraid we wont be chosen b/c of our ages for 1 thing
[Tue Jun 24 17:01:06 PDT 2008]		irishslp joined.
[Tue Jun 24 17:01:26 PDT 2008]	carolynb	You are definitely not too old for domestic. People your age have adopted domestically many, many times.
[Tue Jun 24 17:01:42 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	also, i live w/ physical challenges, and they would not interfere with my being able to be a parent, but we are wondering if it would make us less desirable to a birth family
[Tue Jun 24 17:02:12 PDT 2008]	carolynb	Would you feel comfortable telling me what your challenges are?
[Tue Jun 24 17:02:13 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	i have mobility challenges. i can walk, but for distances need a scooter
[Tue Jun 24 17:02:51 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	one attorney i spoke with said that while i shouldnt hide anything, i also dont ave to put it out there front and center
[Tue Jun 24 17:03:07 PDT 2008]	carolynb	Tenayagirl, you would be asked during your adoption home study how you would manage with a child--whether you have worked this out in your and your husband's minds.
[Tue Jun 24 17:03:30 PDT 2008]	irishslp	Are there restrictions on adopting a newborn internationally if one of the parents is over 50?
[Tue Jun 24 17:03:57 PDT 2008]	irishslp	Also, are there still some places closed?
[Tue Jun 24 17:03:58 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	yes, we have, we will have help and support
[Tue Jun 24 17:04:04 PDT 2008]	carolynb	iriship, that depends where you are adopting from. Each country has different rules and regs.
[Tue Jun 24 17:04:48 PDT 2008]		hoping joined.
[Tue Jun 24 17:04:57 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	also, how would a home study social worker view a remodeling add-on project in our home? we are attempting to move our parents into our home to live. can we be in the process of an addition while we are going thru a home study?
[Tue Jun 24 17:05:06 PDT 2008]	irishslp	Are there reliable sites to search in order to see the regs?
[Tue Jun 24 17:05:11 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenagirl, the social worker will ask you about this, and as long as you have a good plan this should not prevent you from adopting. It could potentially mean you have to work a little harder and longer to fin a birthmother.
[Tue Jun 24 17:05:57 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenagirl, yes--you just have to demonstrate that you have a plan for where the baby will fit it.
[Tue Jun 24 17:06:07 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	what do you mean excatly, work harder and longer?
[Tue Jun 24 17:06:59 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	are u able to comment on a specific domestic adoption group we are considering?
[Tue Jun 24 17:08:22 PDT 2008]	carolynb	It could take you longer because there's an issue re. your mobility. On the other hand, a birthmother and you could connect quickly. You may attract a birthmother with the fact that your parents will be living with you. Some birthmothers could see this as a big plus, and be less concerned about your mobility.
[Tue Jun 24 17:08:43 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	oh thats great, somethng positive-thanks!
[Tue Jun 24 17:09:09 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenayagirl, in this forum I can't do that--sorry.
[Tue Jun 24 17:09:37 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	tenayagirl, you can call our helpline to run adoption agency names by our referral specialist
[Tue Jun 24 17:09:57 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	thanks-could i have your helpline number?
[Tue Jun 24 17:10:00 PDT 2008]	carolynb	Thanks, Corey!
[Tue Jun 24 17:10:59 PDT 2008]		irishslp left.
[Tue Jun 24 17:12:07 PDT 2008]	hoping	what time frame will there be for bonding with an adopted 12 month old, and older?
[Tue Jun 24 17:12:12 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	do u think the fact that we r both teachers would be attractive to birth moms? also, i have concerns about open adoption. i do agree with the basic principle-that it is best for the child to have info, but do most open adotions these days allow birth families to get our last name/city?
[Tue Jun 24 17:12:12 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenagirl, the number is 888-917-3777
[Tue Jun 24 17:13:14 PDT 2008]	hoping	what are some of your favorite books on adoption?
[Tue Jun 24 17:13:56 PDT 2008]	carolynb	If you live in CA, yes, they have your last names and you have theirs. There is a continuum of open, closed, and in-between adoptions. You and the birthparents work together to decide how much openness is best for you and the child. Yes, the fact that you are teachers will certainly attract some birthmothers!
[Tue Jun 24 17:15:07 PDT 2008]	carolynb	hoping: The Family of Adoption by Joyce Pavao, The Idiot's Guide to Adoption, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother, Inside Transracial Adoption, are some excellent books.
[Tue Jun 24 17:15:29 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	wow! so all types of open adoptions in california (yes we live here) require us to give our last names and city?! i was hoping for a semi-open, where we could contact one another thru the attorney/agency. i feel uncomforatble knowing that someone could just 'drop by"
[Tue Jun 24 17:15:50 PDT 2008]		irishslp joined.
[Tue Jun 24 17:16:26 PDT 2008]	hoping	thanks!
[Tue Jun 24 17:16:59 PDT 2008]	hoping	do you think we need to be done TTC before adopting? What are the complicating factors of not being done?
[Tue Jun 24 17:17:14 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	888 917 3777 is the helpline number
[Tue Jun 24 17:17:27 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenayagirl, I think that birthparents generally respect the agreements between themselves and the adoptive parents. You and the birthparents decide when visits should take place, how often pics should be exchanged, etc.
[Tue Jun 24 17:17:58 PDT 2008]	irishslp	A friend of mine had a very postitive experience adopting from Guatamela. Are they now open for adoptions? I know that they had closed for a while.
[Tue Jun 24 17:18:45 PDT 2008]	carolynb	irishsip, Guatemala is closed right now and it's not recommended that anyone should pursue that route right now.
[Tue Jun 24 17:19:04 PDT 2008]	irishslp	Thank you. Do you know why?
[Tue Jun 24 17:19:20 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	i have heard of "adoption coordinators"-dont know the exact name, where u meet w/ them and they help u decide which type of adoption may be best 4 u--do u know of any in ca?
[Tue Jun 24 17:19:23 PDT 2008]	hoping	do you know of other Asian countries besides China that are open? we are in line for China, and it long..
[Tue Jun 24 17:20:23 PDT 2008]	carolynb	irishsip, yes, there were improprieties occurring, and therefore Guatemala could not be accredited by the Hague Convention which is relatively new and safeguards the well-being of birthparents and their children.
[Tue Jun 24 17:20:56 PDT 2008]	irishslp	My heritage is Irish and my husband's is Mexican, do you know of any open countries that might fit our heritage?
[Tue Jun 24 17:21:30 PDT 2008]	irishslp	I did hear about the Hague Convention. Thanks again.
[Tue Jun 24 17:22:15 PDT 2008]	carolynb	hoping: The wait for a "normal" child from China is very long now, although there are waiting special needs children there, who can be adopted quickly. Most of their medical needs are correctible, but you would want to check out any referral carefully. This is one way to adopt from China right now.
[Tue Jun 24 17:22:36 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	folks, are there any other questions for Carolyn?
[Tue Jun 24 17:23:18 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	what is the best way to prepare oneself emotionally for adoption/
[Tue Jun 24 17:23:47 PDT 2008]	carolynb	irishsip, there are children who are part Mexican who live in Texas or New Mexico whom you might be able to adopt. And many children who become available for adoption in the US have Irish heritage.
[Tue Jun 24 17:23:50 PDT 2008]	irishslp	Are there any reliable agencies in the US or more specifically Pittsburgh, PA for adopting?
[Tue Jun 24 17:24:34 PDT 2008]	hoping	how do we deal with family that have yet to understand our decision to adopt?
[Tue Jun 24 17:24:38 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	irsihslip, you should call our helpline for referral
[Tue Jun 24 17:25:00 PDT 2008]	irishslp	I will do that, thank you both for your help
[Tue Jun 24 17:25:34 PDT 2008]	carolynb	irishsip, you are welcome!
[Tue Jun 24 17:26:30 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	what are the most important considerations to keep in mind for domestic adoption?
[Tue Jun 24 17:28:09 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenagirl, to prepare yourself emotionally for adoptive can involve letting go, for now anyway, of the child you thought you and your husband would create together. Stepping in to the world of adoption can mean joining an adoptive parents group, going to adoption conferences, and talking to people who have adopted--many of these people will tell inspiring stories!
[Tue Jun 24 17:30:07 PDT 2008]	carolynb	hoping, you can talk to them about your hopes and enthusiasm about adopting. Sometimes family are far behind us when we undertake adopting. Often, when the child comes in to the family, they are then really able to share your joy.
[Tue Jun 24 17:30:33 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	thank you, we have begun doing these things -- and it has been good to see adoptive parents and their kids just being normal families
[Tue Jun 24 17:31:03 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenayagirl, when adopting domestically, you first want to decide whether you want to adopt independently with the help of an attorney or whether you want to work with an agency.
[Tue Jun 24 17:31:26 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	what are the advatages and disadvantages of both from your view?
[Tue Jun 24 17:33:45 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenagirl, the people who choose to adopt independently like being in charge and reaching out to locate pregnant woman who may place their babies. With an agency, you allow them to seek out pregnant woman, and the agency tells them about you. There may be more beaurocracy, but often agencies provide adoptive parents with support.
[Tue Jun 24 17:34:11 PDT 2008]	hoping	Thanks so much!
[Tue Jun 24 17:34:17 PDT 2008]		kconnaghan joined.
[Tue Jun 24 17:34:21 PDT 2008]		hoping left.
[Tue Jun 24 17:34:32 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	hi kconnaghan
[Tue Jun 24 17:34:51 PDT 2008]	kconnaghan	Hello and thank you for the welcome
[Tue Jun 24 17:35:01 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	the attroney e are consdiering seems like a hybrid. he locates birth moms and does not have the adoptive parents do so
[Tue Jun 24 17:35:07 PDT 2008]	carolynb	hoping, you are so welcome! I am an adoptive parent, and really feel fortunate to have been able to create my family this way.
[Tue Jun 24 17:35:43 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenagirl, yes in CA attorneys are allowed to locate birthmothers. This is not true in most states.
[Tue Jun 24 17:35:58 PDT 2008]		kconnaghan left.
[Tue Jun 24 17:36:35 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	his group also has social workers who will provide birthmother support. i like the idea of not having to find a birth mom b/c they do screening to make sure the birth mom has thought thru her intent
[Tue Jun 24 17:36:45 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	but boy are theye xpensive!
[Tue Jun 24 17:38:14 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenayagirl, yes the more they do the more they cost. Support is great for the pregnant women, but even with counseling some of them do change their minds right before, or right after, the baby is born. That's just something to keep in mind....
[Tue Jun 24 17:38:50 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	do u know what the percentage is that change their minds?
[Tue Jun 24 17:40:22 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	do u know of any no-interest loans available if one goes thru and sttorney
[Tue Jun 24 17:40:37 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenagirl, I don't. I don't think there's a statistic out there for that. But, your lawyer, you, and the pregnant woman's social worker often get a sense whether a pregnant woman is wavering and may change her mind.
[Tue Jun 24 17:40:59 PDT 2008]		Corey_Whelan left.
[Tue Jun 24 17:41:06 PDT 2008]	irishslp	Is there a time period that the birthmother has in order to change her mind?
[Tue Jun 24 17:41:54 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenagirl, no, I don't, but I do know that you get a tax credit ($5,000 I believe) if you adopt.
[Tue Jun 24 17:42:23 PDT 2008]		Corey_Whelan joined.
[Tue Jun 24 17:42:54 PDT 2008]	carolynb	irishsip, yes, and it varies from state to state. Your attorney or agency will give you the up-to-date time frames in various states as you move forward.
[Tue Jun 24 17:43:21 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	along these lines, is there any written material about that whole thing about empathizing with a birth mom who is ambivalent? i do feel so much for these birthmoms who feel they cannot parent
[Tue Jun 24 17:43:23 PDT 2008]		sonsee joined.
[Tue Jun 24 17:44:16 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	Hi Sonsee, welcome to our chat with Carolyn Berger. We only have fifteen minutes left so please don't wait to ask your questions
[Tue Jun 24 17:44:24 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	corey, please tell mehow i can copy and paste this dialgoue so i can reread it-thank you
[Tue Jun 24 17:44:38 PDT 2008]	carolynb	tenayagirl, if you go to the website of The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, you can read an excellent study on the emotional journey birthmothers take.
[Tue Jun 24 17:44:46 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	you can't. But you can access the whole chat transcript tomorrow am .
[Tue Jun 24 17:45:01 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	YOu can also hit the action button now and read chat history
[Tue Jun 24 17:45:12 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	thnk you-i will do that
[Tue Jun 24 17:46:17 PDT 2008]	sonsee	I'm not sure if this has already neen discussed, but my husband and I just adopted a son. Do you think that contact with the birth mother is healthy?
[Tue Jun 24 17:47:31 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	folks, let me please take a moment to mention two things - The AFA is currently running a drive to support our helpline and also our adoption chats which take place once a month. Please consider making a donation by hitting the donate now button to your left. Also, for those of you who are in the NYC area,please make a note of our Family Matters Conference, which will take place this fall on Sunday, Oct 5th in Bklyn
[Tue Jun 24 17:47:33 PDT 2008]	carolynb	sonsee, first of all congratulations.! Yes, I think contact with the birth mother can be a great thing, as long as birthmom and you are clear about your roles in your son's life.
[Tue Jun 24 17:48:56 PDT 2008]	carolynb	The Family Matters Conference will have some excellent workshops with topnotch presenters!
[Tue Jun 24 17:49:07 PDT 2008]	sonsee	Right now we just talk on the phone, but I think it would be great for her to visit every so often. How would we tell our son who she is?
[Tue Jun 24 17:49:48 PDT 2008]		Corey_Whelan left.
[Tue Jun 24 17:50:02 PDT 2008]	carolynb	sonsee, I think it's a good idea to tell your son she is his birthmother before he even understands what that means.
[Tue Jun 24 17:51:00 PDT 2008]		jneencruz joined.
[Tue Jun 24 17:51:08 PDT 2008]		Corey_Whelan joined.
[Tue Jun 24 17:51:30 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	carolyn and corey thnk u both
[Tue Jun 24 17:51:34 PDT 2008]	jneencruz	can you recommend an adoption agency in northern nj
[Tue Jun 24 17:51:36 PDT 2008]	sonsee	Yes, this is what we had planned. I want him to always know that she loved him and didn't "abandon" him. Do you know of families that make this kind of relationship work?
[Tue Jun 24 17:51:54 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	folks, I'm having a computer issue. If you lose me again, please feel free to stay in the chat room as long as you like
[Tue Jun 24 17:52:54 PDT 2008]	carolynb	sonsee, there are many, many families who have made their relationships with birthparents work. It can take work, and it's good to go into this knowing that the relationship will change and evolve over time.
[Tue Jun 24 17:53:56 PDT 2008]	carolynb	jneencruz, you can contact our helpline at 999-917-3777 for referrals.
[Tue Jun 24 17:54:07 PDT 2008]	jneencruz	thanks
[Tue Jun 24 17:54:34 PDT 2008]	sonsee	Can you recommend any books or web sites that can help guide us. Everyone that I talk to thinks that contact with the birth mom is a bad idea, but I think it's the best for everyone.
[Tue Jun 24 17:55:38 PDT 2008]	carolynb	sonsee, I agree with you. For starters, check out The Family of Adoption by Joyce Pavao--there's no one better at looking at the relationships among the child, parents, and birthparents.
[Tue Jun 24 17:56:18 PDT 2008]	sonsee	Thank you. This is all new for me.
[Tue Jun 24 17:56:20 PDT 2008]	jneencruz	I just joined the chat, sorry to be so late, and this maybe inappropriate to ask but financial issues are out there, I was wondering , when all was said and done, what did it cost for you to adopt? I need to know so that I can find a way to pay for it.
[Tue Jun 24 17:57:07 PDT 2008]	carolynb	I have a commitment for 9 pm ET, and will need to wrap up with you all. But, if you have additional questions, you can e-mail me at cnberger@optonline.net.
[Tue Jun 24 17:57:31 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	thanks
[Tue Jun 24 17:57:37 PDT 2008]	sonsee	We were lucky enough to adopt a newborn from a friend of a friend of a friend. We did not use an agency so we just had to pay atty fees-about $5000.
[Tue Jun 24 17:57:43 PDT 2008]	irishslp	Thank you both
[Tue Jun 24 17:58:17 PDT 2008]		jneencruz left.
[Tue Jun 24 17:58:21 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	thanks for joining us tonight everyone. There is no chat next week. In ttwo weeks we launch our audio chat series. You can log in and hear the speaker over the telephoone
[Tue Jun 24 17:58:33 PDT 2008]		irishslp left.
[Tue Jun 24 17:58:56 PDT 2008]		jneencruz joined.
[Tue Jun 24 17:58:58 PDT 2008]	tenayagirl	thanks-im going to make a donation to afa now- youre great!
[Tue Jun 24 17:59:05 PDT 2008]	carolynb	jneencruz: It depends on which route you take. If you locate a birthmother and she has a job and insurance, you may pay very little. If you need to pay the medical costs, the overall cost goes up. If you adopt thru foster care, there is little or no cost.
[Tue Jun 24 17:59:10 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	sorry for the typos my keyboard is really doing something odd. Thank you tenaygirl
[Tue Jun 24 17:59:27 PDT 2008]	jneencruz	omg, i just got booted off and didn't get to read the response to my question. Aren't you glad I joined the chat
[Tue Jun 24 17:59:49 PDT 2008]		sonsee left.
[Tue Jun 24 17:59:50 PDT 2008]	jneencruz	thanks
[Tue Jun 24 18:00:06 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	truthfully, yes. I am glad. You can get either one of us at any time. good luck all. I can be reac hed at corey@theafa.org
[Tue Jun 24 18:00:09 PDT 2008]	Corey_Whelan	goodnight
[Tue Jun 24 18:00:12 PDT 2008]		Corey_Whelan left.
[Tue Jun 24 18:00:51 PDT 2008]	carolynb	Thanks to all of you. And, really, contact me at cnberger@optonline.net with additional questions.\
[Tue Jun 24 18:01:03 PDT 2008]	jneencruz	thanks again
[Tue Jun 24 18:01:13 PDT 2008]	carolynb	Thank you , Tenayagirl, for donating to us!
[Tue Jun 24 18:01:37 PDT 2008]		jneencruz left.
[Tue Jun 24 18:01:37 PDT 2008]		carolynb left.
[Tue Jun 24 18:06:54 PDT 2008]		tenayagirl left.
[Tue Jun 24 18:36:03 PDT 2008]		shaymer01 joined.
[Tue Jun 24 18:42:37 PDT 2008]		ames1215 joined.
[Tue Jun 24 18:42:57 PDT 2008]		ames1215 left.
[Tue Jun 24 18:43:38 PDT 2008]		shaymer01 left.
[Tue Jun 24 20:54:19 PDT 2008]		bean1230 joined.
[Tue Jun 24 20:54:25 PDT 2008]		bean1230 left.

Everything You Wanted To Know About Adoption But Were Afraid To Ask

Everything You Wanted To Know About Adoption But Were Afraid To Ask

Categories

Chat Archives